The biggest obstacle we face in trying to figure out what we want is fear. Fear is an insidious visitor to our thoughts. It calls itself by other names, such as "practicality" and "personality style", presents itself as a trusted advisor, and then, methodically and often logically, argues us out of our best dreams and ideas. Or whispers in our ear that it's risky to make a choice, we might be wrong (!), and leaves us in confusion as we reach to touch one dream and then another, never grasping one long enough to bring it to fruition. Here are some stories about fear at work in the lives of a friend, a client and a student.
My friend says she has a difficult time making decisions because she doesn't know what she wants. Actually, in most circumstances she knows exactly what she wants. But then she starts worrying about not pleasing others: Maybe Aunt Edna won't like it that way. Maybe Billy can't come at that time. Maybe Ruth won't enjoy the program. By the time she's mentally checked in with everyone else's imagined needs, she is confused and overwhelmed. Her fear of not being able to please others has cancelled out her initial clarity.
Some of us fear that we just can't have what we want. Years ago, I worked with a client who wanted to become a corporate trainer. He had some interest in getting into public relations, but what he wanted most was to be a trainer. Leaving our last session together, he turned to me in the hall and said, "I'm going to go for some public relations positions," and walked off while I stood there with my mouth open. At the time, he was not trained or prepared to do either one. Both were equally difficult ventures. But he saw public relations as more achievable simply because he wanted the other goal so much!
Sometimes fear convinces us that it's not OK to want what we want. A student in one of my Career Change courses was having a difficult time identifying her career interests. One night as we were discussing how fear can cloud our judgment, she suddenly looked at me and asked, "Do you mean what would I do if I could do what I really want?" And suddenly she was giving voice to the sparkling, wonderful thing she wanted but had been hiding from herself because she did not believe she could have it.
Note that in these stories, fear obstructed not only the ability to achieve a dream or goal, but also the ability to recognize or choose one. If you have trouble deciding what you want, I have listed some helpful guidelines below.
